.....Things are looking up.......fingers crossed

Well......it has been awhile. It's a rainy day so I thought I would catch back up and write!
So some new things to report. Since changing my lifestyle, I have been feeling tons better. Five months ago when I had my first Upper GI scope it was pretty miserable in this stomach of mine. Horrible inflammation. Proud to report that I had my second Upper GI just two days ago and I was told my stomach looked healthy and pink. Doc said he didn't really see anything wrong in there. No ulcers no inflammed tissue. I did have gastritis and intestinal metaplasia last scope Which both put me at a higher risk of stomach cancer. Scared the shit out of me which made me finally put my foot down, that I was done living the lifestyle I was. (I have some biopsies still pending). BUT it made me really happy because it means what I have been doing is helping my stomach to heal. I have lost 19 pounds and 9 inches. I was hoping the weight loss would be a little better, but every pound has been worth it. Eating lots of coconut oil, drinking barely tea to help my stomach and on an herb called Slippery Elm.

 I WILL continue on this path. I went from being sick daily to not really sick at all in the past months. I think that would be enough to change any persons mind....I get shit from a lot of people. They don't believe it all of it. But I don't care. I have to do what is right for me. So I listen to the criticism and move forward and ignore it. I never understood how someone can take a medication from a doctor which has an endless side effect list ( AND by the way just eases SYMPTOMS not the CAUSE)and no one thinks twice but the SECOND I say I'm trying some new herbs and they are helping -people think Im nuts. No, your nuts. Im trying to in fact HEAL myself and GET RID of the problem. Your medication is making you feel a little better but really for how long? The problem is STILL there, your just numbing it. And I have been on meds. I did them for years....I have done them why? My doctor scared the shit out of me and I gave in.  Well, that's over with. DONE with it. (Now, I get some meds may be necessary to save your life, but if you change nothing about your lifestyle than you can plan to be on those meds for a long long time-),

Recently my stomach pains have come back here and there so I'm once again trying to figure it all out. I am so determined to figure it out. May just be stress at this point, who knows. I am eating healthy and taking my supplements so I know I am heading the right way. I am thinking of embarking on a plant based diet. I want to just try different paths. I like doing that. Experimenting with different ideas. Paleo diet seems pretty cool. Time consuming but I want to eat as natural and as unprocessed as possible. I have some new ideas.....stay tuned. Whoo hoooooo

Parkinson's-1 Family-0 Evil bitch

.......Today....... Heartsick....Mentally drained...........

Parkinson's is a bitch. It's an evil evil disease. Its taking him..sucking the life from him...... It doesn't just rip apart the individual that it infests but rips a part  families.s.  Rips out our hearts and makes us mentally useless . I can't even think straight sometimes.  I have lost my father yet he is right in front of me.  I just want to shake him. I want it out I want gone.

 HOW do I make peace with Parkinson's?  How do I stop it from emotionally destroying me when I watch him deteriorate in front of me?  How do I accept this bullshit. I don't want to play the why me, why our family . Why him but I cant help it.  I am sooooo angry and I don't even know who at.  How do I let this be ok when it just isn't ever going to be ok?

How do you watch someone you love die?  How do you stand there helpless? I want to fight for him so bad. I want him to come back to us.........and he never will.


Dad was admitted to the hospital yesterday with no hope of ever returning home.  We will have to find a new "home" for him. One that will help him with his needs.   Daily fucking needs.  Brushing teeth. Showers. Baths.  Thinking. Eating.

This isn't suppose to be like this.  He is suppose to be here for me. He is suppose to be here for us. He is suppose to be my dad! Why the fuck!

Today. Today is a bad day. I get it. I can't get use to this. I can't make it better for anyone of us and its so hard.



-lost-hurt-emotionally fucked today


Today I am not happy for anything- Today needs to be done. And so does the Parkinson's. It needs to be done.

Even though we couldn't share a dance together.......I'm glad he didn't miss it......

Jillian

Ugh..Need to breathe

...Detox is done.....

It went very well. Better than expected. I felt really good on it. It was a 7 day detox and on the 8th day I could bring in protein and other low glycemic foods.  So on day 8, I didnt feel like cooking so I went out to dinner with my husband. Go figure I got deathyly ill after about 15 minutes finishing my dinner. I don't know if I just wasnt ready or what but we ate at a local well-known restruant. I ordered a grilled chicken salad. No bacon No croutons. I did get ranch dressing but on the side .  It had nothing out of the norm.  No bread or anything fried either. Im wondering if it was the mushrooms my husband got on the side, if they were cooked in an oil my body didnt want.  I thought I was going to die. I am still not feeling well from it.  SO I decided I am NOT visting anymore restuarants anytime soon. I dont think I can trust what they are cooking will work with my body.  I ate very clean for a week and Im wondering if my body is just saying lets stick to that.

Today I feel mentally withdrawn and exhausted. Things with my dad are not going so great. Few weeks ago we went out to dinner and when he got home he asked my mom What they were hving for dinner. When she said we just ate, he asked her what he had. Few days ago he tried to call people from the remote control. Was upset at my mother after she took it from him. He didn't understand why he couldnt make calls.  Then two days ago he put paint thinner in my mothers car thinking it was windshield washer fluid.  He is forgetting more and more.  As his daughter I am getting more and more concerned.  We are use to the Parkinsons to a point but the probem with it is the progression of it.  It has sped up faster than we can keep up with.  UGH so frustrating. Anyone who has a sick parent, it is the shits.  I always want to do the "why" us. Why our family but it seems everyone has something in their family too. And I suppose if they arent dealing with it now it's coming.  Just being 27 and having an ill parent seems backwards. I thought for sure this would be later in life. Nothing we can do but make dad comforable at this point. It will get worse and  we just got to stick together. Whoever that is. Jess and myself and mom I suppose?  Noone else seems to have the time that he needs.  It is very limited might I add. Dad is physically here but mentally he is here and not here. Its the most frustrating disease , I swear.

I wish I had things more figured out. So frustrated today. I wish money didn't rule everything............

O well.......life goes on..........

Today I Am Thankful For:  My pup Wrigs and air conditioning

I picked this photo because she looks so free......It's beautiful.

Detox ....Here we go!

DETOX..........
So today is day 3 of my detox from toxic food and facebook =)  ( yes this is posted on facebook but nothing was checked). It is going great and I feel so amazing.  I thought for sure I would be in tears by now wanting something toxic.  Cookies or  baked Cheetos . Both my weakness.
Again it is only day three but I no longer feel bloated. I feel thinner and Ill tell you what it feels good. I may not be "thinner" YET but feeling lighter feels good =)  Ive been mainly consuming vegetables and fruits. Lots of tea and water. I am allowed spices and seasonings so I have made different combinations of creative foods lol. You have to or you'll you nuts!   I usually hate veggie burgers but we are allowed them on this detox so I have one for dinner or lunch with veggies.  I bought a bunch of organic strawberries and grapes so when I feel like I could cave in, I grab for those. I think its helping that its been so hot out because my desire to eat has been minimal.  
My husband Chris has been working  in Milwaukee for work for the week.  I decided to come visit him for the day/night. Which when your on a detox, its hard to travel let alone leave the house lol. Too many temptations!  At least for me.  You want to go to new restaurants and eat what you want so on. So I I packed myself a cooler filled with tomatoes and cucumbers. Bag of grapes, few waters and some "detox" salad I made which is cauliflower/broccoli mix. Anyways, I felt prepared. BUT then Chris said we should go to dinner. I literally panicked.

 What the hell am I going to eat? So instead of being a little bitch about it I said I would go and just see if I could eat out.  (Worse came to worse I would snack on my veggies and such when I got back) We ended up at the cheesecake factory. Talk about the worse place in the world to go on a detox other than maybe Willy Wonka's Chocolate factory lol.  BUT, I put my mind at ease. I said I can do this, and guess what? I did.  I ordered a grilled artichoke(only ate 1/2) and a huge salad. The salad contained the healthy lettuce(romaine and such) beets, cucumbers,zucchini, carrots and some sliced avocado.  I asked for a little balsamic on the side and it was soooo delicious. I thought wow, I am super full. I didn't finish the artichoke nor the salad and I was stuffed.  So, I felt instantly calmer and felt that this detox  didn't have to be that bad.   I want this more than ever. I want to loose the weight and FEEL good. And I feel I am at the perfect spot in my life at this moment.  Being on a detox is so mentally hard for me. I hate being told I can't eat something.  BUT What I hate worse is NOT being happy with what I look like or who I am.  I couldn't keep going at the rate I was.  Chris and I want children eventually and I want my time yet. I want a healthy body for them and more than that a healthy mind. I am not there yet, but I WILL be there.

I know you may be reading this and think I'm nuts or what not but I love who I feel I am becoming. And if this annoys you I would prefer you just delete me from facebook and your life all together if I am even in it( Facebook is all a bullshit fake world and we all know it.  Its a place we can "Accept" a friend but not say a SINGLE word to them in public.  Why is this? I can see every photo of your life. I can see your single or your married. I can see your favorite books and movies. I can see where you literally are because you just "checked in". I can see your first baby just got her first tooth.  I can see your having marital problems........ BUT god forbid I see you at Target. God forbid I pass you shopping at Old Navy. What a joke!

We stalk each other to see how everyone is doing in their lives. Are they more ahead of me? So they have the dream job, the house the kids? Talk about pressure!!! And if you don't do that "stalking" on facebook, your in denial. Sorry, sweetheart but you are. I know the deal, I'm it too-which is the reason for detox and maybe the all together removal of facebook or certain facebook friends. Hmmm....

I only have so much time here and so do you. So we HAVE to make the best of it.
We don't get this back.


Today I am Thankful For:
Fifty Shade of Grey for helping me through detox lol and thankful for peaceful time spent alone

Day 3- ON MY WAY

Day 3........................................

SO this week..I turned 27... Not really sure if its really an exciting age? BUT I am hoping its a good year for me. Healthy year =) Got a pedicure with my twinster and some friends then we had an awesome dinner with all our friends and had some birthday drinks. I realized my twin and I have some of the most amazing people in our lives. I always look forward to the good times with my/our friends. =)

.....Next week I will be doing a detox. Not just a food detox but a facebook detox too ha! No facebook for a week. I also made a goal board which hangs in my room!

Some may think ok big deal but we all know facebook is addictive. So part of this food detox is to also have mental well being and relaxation. So I plan to do just that. Light exercise, stretching, some yoga and breathing techniques. Along with this 7 day detox, I can not have anything besides fruits (3 servings a day) and all the veggies I want. Protein is only eaten if needed and minimal and only after three days.......

Detox is VERY difficult for me but at the same time I love day 7. So this detox will begin Tuesday. Sunday I plan to get all my groceries. Im excited too because Jess, my twinster, is doing this with me. We joined a weight loss/life style change! Were both nervous but excited to start the journey of weight loss together. We are so ready to be healthy , 100 %. So wish us luck with this new change!  Ive done the weight loss thing before but this will be the first time Jess and I do it together. So Im excited.

SO far on this journey of mine the one thing I have noticed is the stress that has lifted. I feel like the air is starting to clear and that I am on the right track. Today I met with a hypnotist. I know it sounds nuts but I wanted to know what they were about. It is definitely NOT what you see in the movies. No trance no couch. Its about positive attitude. Teaching yourself that you CAN be in control. Teaches yourself to say positive things to yourself and to delete the negative thoughts. It sounded pretty awesome but it was also a little costly. So , I was glad to know that kind of stuff is available but at this time I can for sure not afford it. So, until next time!

What I am Thankful For:

Birthdays and when Chris has a day off so we can spend time together like TODAY!

IM ON MY WAY!!!!!!!! LOVE IT

...You are suppose to be somewhere else....

I heard that is something isn't going right where you are...that there is somewhere else you are suppose to be because its better there for you.   Awesome.  Makes me excited. Monday June 11th is the first day of my 30 day journey/do over/start.
I have made some appointments, some odder than others. I am going to see a therapist to help control my emotional eating( hope she is ready for this lol). Going to meet with a woman who specializes in emotional healing and healthy well being and also though why not make a hypnotism appointment? Its part of my do something I wouldn't normally do- so hey its free and Chris is going to check it out with me. Why not? Lol. 
 I have also been taking 1,000 mg of organic extra virgin coconut oil twice a day. I hope to see some sort of results with it since all I ever hear is such good things.
I plan to blog on each day. I know it may be a rocky start but Im excited to see how this all pans out. This is not a vacation. This is strict. Eating will be different my daily plan will be different.  I am nervous because I want this so bad to work. I know I need a change mentally and physically so i really hope this is it!
If anyone has ideas on different people to talk to or different things to do to help my mental and physical transformation I would LOVE to hear it?  Im trying to do some research to see how exactly I should plan out my days.
Monday June 11th....Day ONE!  Ahhhh! =)
Taking a break from anything I can.  Break from facebook! Break from bread! Break from negativity!my plan. My goals. I WILL do this and I WILL Succeed. Watch me............

Change is a Process...Not an Event

Love this sticker. Saw it on Pinterest.  SO easy to get obsessed with that website, yikes.  Well today is a rainy Wednesday. Chris and I were suppose to take maternity photos for a friend but the weather decided to suck. O well...rescheduled.  I seem to reschedule a lot of things in my life. I put it off til' later. Then it comes and I push it off again. It's why I am stuck in this rut today....Heard this " If it's not working, Stop doing it". I could have listened to that 1,000 times and let it go in one ear and out the other but today I wrote it on a piece of paper. And I read it. And read it again. I read it about 5 times til it really sunk it.  I finally said...THIS is NOT working. I'm GOING to do something else. And it felt good, why? Because I have already decided to make a change. I FINALLY am doing something. Going to take control once and for all.
If someone said Jillian, you will be right where you are in a year from today I would want to punch them in the face then maybe the throat. The sound of it makes me sick. Makes me pissed. No WAY!
I am not happy right now. I am not even content where my life is. 

YES, I have wonderful things in my life.  Wonderful family, handsome husband...dog...house...car that's paid off... but too many things are wrong with my life. Too many for me to be okay with. And most of them I created myself.  My health, my weight my negative attitude. No one else. And that's why its the worse. I always say when your mad at yourself it is the worst feeling.  You should have the control to do the things you want, things you need to do, make certain decisions. But what the hell happens in that time frame?  When did the day come we just starting letting our self go and let each day passing thinking it was ok?  Because I'll tell you what, that lifestyle has caught up to me. To the point where I have to force myself to be happy.  I want to take advantage of this life. I want to find the way to be happy.

I mean do YOU ever just feel that your in a fog? Life is on full speed...Your in a mess and you just keep getting dumped on? Like you serioulsy can't take on one more fucking thing?? How is anyone to have a clear mind? How is anyone to make a decision when they never get a break?? Well, if you feel like that, its time to force a break. YOU NEED IT.

Now, this mental and physically journey is not going to happen overnight. Like I said, I want to blog. I like it. I want to just put it out there.  As far as it stands, I asked for a leave of absence from work. This tentatively will begin June 11th. The first day to the start of this journey. I have been preparing up to that day. Making appointments, researching the classes (health and yoga),making a work out schedule etc. I hope I see some sort of good in this. I hope I feel it at the end.

I can't wait to  wake up and take a god damn breath. Stretch and get my head on straight for the day. I refuse to waste one minute in this 30 days. And 30 days, I don't plan to have it all set. I know this will take me some time. It would take anyone some time!  But its time to get my eating straight, get my health back to a more peaceful state and have mental well-being. I feel lucky to have the job I have now. They are willing to give me this time away.  I am thankful to my husband and family to help me financially. I can tell people love me and want me well.  I WANT me well too.

Identify Weakness & Fix it. I plan to.

Today I am Thankful For:  My awesome $3.00 rummage sale waterfall and my bed =)