My dad passed away February 26, 2015 from Parkinson's Disease. Still don't believe it. Death of a parent...its so.....raw. Its like getting a gut punch everytime I think about the fact my dad is dead. Hes gone.. I'll never be able to see him, touch him, hug him......I find myself wanting to call him some days. Time has helped but it doesn't let me forget. I struggle with the fact my kids don't and wont ever know their grandpa. My God , my dad would have just loved them.. I just know it. My son was born 14 months ago. I see SO much of my dad in him. I wish they could have talked about tractors or cars and shared candy bars. My dad would buy him a lottery ticket and have his grandson scratch it for him and read the numbers. Then complain that the tickets are tight and no one wins and they will get it next time!
I often think like where is my dad? He was creamated. I have the same thought of him entering into the oven. Isnt that morbid and awful? I picture some guy who has seen thousdands of dead bodies just rolling my fragile naked father on a metal cart and dumping his body into a firey abiss. Yeah, something is wrong with me. I didn't see my dad be cremated but for some reason my mind always takes me there. Then Ill think how do they know those are my dads ashes . When its done. Don't you think there would be like hundreds of peoples ashes in there.. Maybe I should learn how cremation works....who knows.
So moving on to more pleasant things ....I have two kids now. A boy and a girl who make my world. They are growing so quickly. We have been through lots. My daughter at just 12 months old was diagnosed with Lyme Disease. While she is doing quite well, during that time was so damn scary.
My son has a brachial plexus birth injury. We had a traumatic entrance into the World and he almost didn't survive. When I went to push him out, he got stuck. At 10 pounds 9 ounces and NO epidural, one can imagine that was quite fun. He was stuck for 2 minutes-deprived of oxygen. Through my pushing and my midwife pulling he finally came through. He was not responsive and they took him from me instantly. They were able to resuscitate him thankfully. We realized almost immediately something was wrong with his right arm. X ray showed it wasn't broke but he did have a brachial plexus nerve injury. He couldn't move his arm.It was limp. SO lots of physical therapy later he is doing well. The arm is a little ill formed but he is using it and we are very thankful! Just hoping he gets stronger and stronger. HE will need to be if he wants to survive in this fucking world......
Seriously, the stress and anxiety I am getting from all these mass shootings just debilitates me. Some days I wont even leave this house. A week ago was a terrible mass shooting in Las Vegas. I didn't leave the house for two whole days. I'm afraid for my kids. I'm afraid Ill be with them at the grocery store and hear gunshots. I'm afraid to leave my doorstep some days because I don't think Ill make it home with them. These men doing these mass shootings- when will it STOP/.? What can we do??? The prayers and thoughts get us NOWHERE.. Its all bullshit. Yeah, I said it. Then after all these TERRIBLE images on Facebook and having 59 people die.....the conspiracy stories emerge. Those keep me up at night. People saying they used this guy (the shooter) as a decoy. The government was in on it. That the area of the concert was purposely set up in such a manner that the victims couldn't get out fast enough. They were running like a herd of cattle which made it easier to shoot. Stories of multiple gun men. Additional shooters on 4th floor and 32nd floor.. Man this shit makes my head spin!!!!!
I want simpler days. I need people to get more breaks. Good hardworking people- they are always left behind. We need help for those who need it. We need to make this work for our world. We are only here such a short time- why cant it truly be epic everyday!
Why do we have to live in fear and heartbreak so much.................................
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