Time FLIES! Update to my life

 Welcome to Fall 2017!  WOW WOW WOW That's all I can say when I read my old blog entries. SO much has changed since then.  At the same time something has remained the same.....I'm STILL trying to lose weight.. Why the fuck does it always have to be a battle...damn..    Well I have just committed to a low carb high fat journey.   Some new and amazing and not so amazing updates to my life...

My dad passed away February 26, 2015 from Parkinson's Disease.  Still don't believe it.  Death of a parent...its so.....raw.  Its like getting a gut punch everytime I think about the fact my dad is dead.  Hes gone.. I'll never be able to see him, touch him, hug him......I find myself wanting to call him some days.   Time has helped but it doesn't let me forget.  I struggle with the fact my kids don't and wont ever know their grandpa.  My God , my dad would have just loved them.. I just know it.  My son was born 14 months ago.  I see SO much of my dad in him.  I wish they could have talked about tractors or cars and shared candy bars.  My dad would buy him a lottery ticket and have his grandson scratch it for him and read the numbers.  Then complain that the tickets are tight and no one wins and they will get it next time!  

I often think like where is my dad?  He was creamated. I have the same thought of him entering into the oven.  Isnt that morbid and awful?  I picture some guy who has seen thousdands of dead bodies just rolling my fragile naked father on a metal cart and dumping his body into a firey abiss.  Yeah, something is wrong with me.  I didn't see my dad be cremated but for some reason my mind always takes me there.  Then Ill think how do they know those are my dads ashes .  When its done.  Don't you think there would be like hundreds of peoples ashes in there..  Maybe I should learn how cremation works....who knows.



So moving on to more pleasant things ....I have two kids now.  A boy and a girl who make my world.  They are growing so quickly. We have been through lots.  My daughter at just 12 months old was diagnosed with Lyme Disease.  While she is doing quite well, during that time was so damn scary.
My son has a brachial plexus birth injury. We had a traumatic entrance into the World and he almost didn't survive.  When I went to push him out, he got stuck.   At 10 pounds 9 ounces and NO epidural, one can imagine that was quite fun.  He was stuck for 2 minutes-deprived of oxygen.  Through my pushing and my midwife pulling he finally came through.  He was not responsive and they took him from me instantly. They were able to resuscitate him thankfully.  We realized almost immediately something was wrong with his right arm.  X ray showed it wasn't broke but he did have a brachial plexus nerve injury.  He couldn't move his arm.It was limp.  SO lots of physical therapy later he is doing well.  The arm is a little ill formed but he is using it and we are very thankful!  Just hoping he gets stronger and stronger.  HE will need to be if he wants to survive in this fucking world......

Seriously, the stress and anxiety I am getting from all these mass shootings just debilitates me.  Some days I wont even leave this house.  A week ago was a terrible mass shooting in Las Vegas.  I didn't leave the house for two whole days.  I'm afraid for my kids.  I'm afraid Ill be with them at the grocery store and hear gunshots.  I'm afraid to leave my doorstep some days because I don't think Ill make it home with them.   These men doing these mass shootings- when will it STOP/.?  What can we do???  The prayers and thoughts get us NOWHERE..  Its all bullshit.  Yeah, I said it.   Then after all these TERRIBLE images on Facebook and having 59 people die.....the conspiracy stories emerge.  Those keep me up at night.  People saying they used this guy (the shooter) as a decoy.  The government was in on it. That the area of the concert was purposely set up in such a manner that the victims couldn't get out fast enough. They were running like a herd of cattle which made it easier to shoot.  Stories of multiple gun men. Additional shooters on 4th floor and 32nd floor.. Man this shit makes my head spin!!!!!

I want simpler days.  I need people to get more breaks.  Good hardworking people- they are always left behind.  We need help for those who need it.  We need to make this work for our world.  We are only here such a short time- why cant it truly be epic everyday!

Why do we have to live in fear and heartbreak so much.................................

Keep on Truckin

Hi again!

So some new updates. I have been feeling really, really good.  I have recently gone back into the juicing life and it is AWESOME. I have been juicing every single day for breakfast for two weeks now. I just got off a 3 day juice "fast" I will say.  It went better than expected.
One thing I have noticed for sure is how much my skin has cleared. When I did the fast, I did seem to break out more than normal and I am thinking I was detoxifying. My face has been the clearest it has been in months, no lie. I feel more clearer if that makes sense. I don't feel groggy or sick.

One thing I did do in the past few months is let grains back in. I think I have officially learned my body does NOT like them. It has been hard. The weight loss slowed for sure. So my next goal is to cut out all grains for a few months at least. I also am going to cut dairy from my diet (as much as possible). While on my juice fast, I had NO dairy. Today, (day 4) I decided to have a little greek yogurt and some cheddar cheese (two separate times of day) and I noticed my stomach hurt. So I am wondering if this whole time, my body would prefer no dairy and no grains. I know I will see the weight begin to come off again.
I have also been drinking organic tea every single day, at least once a day. It ranges from green tea to barley. I feel my immune system has been really strong with the tea and juicing.

I hope it stays strong as I head to Mexico next week. I am absolutely terrified to get the flu the day I have to leave or get a bug while i am there. I feel I am doing EVERYTHING I can to protect myself. I just do no want anything to prevent me from this trip. I am so thrilled to be going and I want the best possible experience. I know I can not prevent illness 100% but I have read up on natural ways to prevent and also ways to help get rid of flu and cold if I get it. I know I am over-thinking a lot of it but I just really do not want to be sick in Mexico! I don't think anyone would blame me =).

So Mexico will put some tests against my "lifestyle" changes, but I am determined to allow myself some yummy things but also remember what I have been working so hard for.

I love being healthy. I love how I feel and that my body is changing for the best. It has been a overwhelming and scary ride but also soooo rewarding.  I never thought I could be this healthy and I am not even close to the end.  It has been a good journey so far. I know I still need to work on the mental part of it too. As someone who suffers with horrible anxiety, I have been able to calm myself more and have actually gone days without anxiety. For me, that is incredible. I owe it all to being healthy. Trying to remove toxins and using better products. Reading labels will blow your mind. I have too though and so should you!

So new Health goals for 2013:
1. Try to cut Dairy 100%
2. Continue to eat gluten free
3. Juice every single day
4. Cut out grains for 5 months minimum
5. Lose more weight and stay healthy!

Much love and Happy New Year....MY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!

Jillian

.....Things are looking up.......fingers crossed

Well......it has been awhile. It's a rainy day so I thought I would catch back up and write!
So some new things to report. Since changing my lifestyle, I have been feeling tons better. Five months ago when I had my first Upper GI scope it was pretty miserable in this stomach of mine. Horrible inflammation. Proud to report that I had my second Upper GI just two days ago and I was told my stomach looked healthy and pink. Doc said he didn't really see anything wrong in there. No ulcers no inflammed tissue. I did have gastritis and intestinal metaplasia last scope Which both put me at a higher risk of stomach cancer. Scared the shit out of me which made me finally put my foot down, that I was done living the lifestyle I was. (I have some biopsies still pending). BUT it made me really happy because it means what I have been doing is helping my stomach to heal. I have lost 19 pounds and 9 inches. I was hoping the weight loss would be a little better, but every pound has been worth it. Eating lots of coconut oil, drinking barely tea to help my stomach and on an herb called Slippery Elm.

 I WILL continue on this path. I went from being sick daily to not really sick at all in the past months. I think that would be enough to change any persons mind....I get shit from a lot of people. They don't believe it all of it. But I don't care. I have to do what is right for me. So I listen to the criticism and move forward and ignore it. I never understood how someone can take a medication from a doctor which has an endless side effect list ( AND by the way just eases SYMPTOMS not the CAUSE)and no one thinks twice but the SECOND I say I'm trying some new herbs and they are helping -people think Im nuts. No, your nuts. Im trying to in fact HEAL myself and GET RID of the problem. Your medication is making you feel a little better but really for how long? The problem is STILL there, your just numbing it. And I have been on meds. I did them for years....I have done them why? My doctor scared the shit out of me and I gave in.  Well, that's over with. DONE with it. (Now, I get some meds may be necessary to save your life, but if you change nothing about your lifestyle than you can plan to be on those meds for a long long time-),

Recently my stomach pains have come back here and there so I'm once again trying to figure it all out. I am so determined to figure it out. May just be stress at this point, who knows. I am eating healthy and taking my supplements so I know I am heading the right way. I am thinking of embarking on a plant based diet. I want to just try different paths. I like doing that. Experimenting with different ideas. Paleo diet seems pretty cool. Time consuming but I want to eat as natural and as unprocessed as possible. I have some new ideas.....stay tuned. Whoo hoooooo

Parkinson's-1 Family-0 Evil bitch

.......Today....... Heartsick....Mentally drained...........

Parkinson's is a bitch. It's an evil evil disease. Its taking him..sucking the life from him...... It doesn't just rip apart the individual that it infests but rips a part  families.s.  Rips out our hearts and makes us mentally useless . I can't even think straight sometimes.  I have lost my father yet he is right in front of me.  I just want to shake him. I want it out I want gone.

 HOW do I make peace with Parkinson's?  How do I stop it from emotionally destroying me when I watch him deteriorate in front of me?  How do I accept this bullshit. I don't want to play the why me, why our family . Why him but I cant help it.  I am sooooo angry and I don't even know who at.  How do I let this be ok when it just isn't ever going to be ok?

How do you watch someone you love die?  How do you stand there helpless? I want to fight for him so bad. I want him to come back to us.........and he never will.


Dad was admitted to the hospital yesterday with no hope of ever returning home.  We will have to find a new "home" for him. One that will help him with his needs.   Daily fucking needs.  Brushing teeth. Showers. Baths.  Thinking. Eating.

This isn't suppose to be like this.  He is suppose to be here for me. He is suppose to be here for us. He is suppose to be my dad! Why the fuck!

Today. Today is a bad day. I get it. I can't get use to this. I can't make it better for anyone of us and its so hard.



-lost-hurt-emotionally fucked today


Today I am not happy for anything- Today needs to be done. And so does the Parkinson's. It needs to be done.

Even though we couldn't share a dance together.......I'm glad he didn't miss it......

Jillian

Ugh..Need to breathe

...Detox is done.....

It went very well. Better than expected. I felt really good on it. It was a 7 day detox and on the 8th day I could bring in protein and other low glycemic foods.  So on day 8, I didnt feel like cooking so I went out to dinner with my husband. Go figure I got deathyly ill after about 15 minutes finishing my dinner. I don't know if I just wasnt ready or what but we ate at a local well-known restruant. I ordered a grilled chicken salad. No bacon No croutons. I did get ranch dressing but on the side .  It had nothing out of the norm.  No bread or anything fried either. Im wondering if it was the mushrooms my husband got on the side, if they were cooked in an oil my body didnt want.  I thought I was going to die. I am still not feeling well from it.  SO I decided I am NOT visting anymore restuarants anytime soon. I dont think I can trust what they are cooking will work with my body.  I ate very clean for a week and Im wondering if my body is just saying lets stick to that.

Today I feel mentally withdrawn and exhausted. Things with my dad are not going so great. Few weeks ago we went out to dinner and when he got home he asked my mom What they were hving for dinner. When she said we just ate, he asked her what he had. Few days ago he tried to call people from the remote control. Was upset at my mother after she took it from him. He didn't understand why he couldnt make calls.  Then two days ago he put paint thinner in my mothers car thinking it was windshield washer fluid.  He is forgetting more and more.  As his daughter I am getting more and more concerned.  We are use to the Parkinsons to a point but the probem with it is the progression of it.  It has sped up faster than we can keep up with.  UGH so frustrating. Anyone who has a sick parent, it is the shits.  I always want to do the "why" us. Why our family but it seems everyone has something in their family too. And I suppose if they arent dealing with it now it's coming.  Just being 27 and having an ill parent seems backwards. I thought for sure this would be later in life. Nothing we can do but make dad comforable at this point. It will get worse and  we just got to stick together. Whoever that is. Jess and myself and mom I suppose?  Noone else seems to have the time that he needs.  It is very limited might I add. Dad is physically here but mentally he is here and not here. Its the most frustrating disease , I swear.

I wish I had things more figured out. So frustrated today. I wish money didn't rule everything............

O well.......life goes on..........

Today I Am Thankful For:  My pup Wrigs and air conditioning

I picked this photo because she looks so free......It's beautiful.

Detox ....Here we go!

DETOX..........
So today is day 3 of my detox from toxic food and facebook =)  ( yes this is posted on facebook but nothing was checked). It is going great and I feel so amazing.  I thought for sure I would be in tears by now wanting something toxic.  Cookies or  baked Cheetos . Both my weakness.
Again it is only day three but I no longer feel bloated. I feel thinner and Ill tell you what it feels good. I may not be "thinner" YET but feeling lighter feels good =)  Ive been mainly consuming vegetables and fruits. Lots of tea and water. I am allowed spices and seasonings so I have made different combinations of creative foods lol. You have to or you'll you nuts!   I usually hate veggie burgers but we are allowed them on this detox so I have one for dinner or lunch with veggies.  I bought a bunch of organic strawberries and grapes so when I feel like I could cave in, I grab for those. I think its helping that its been so hot out because my desire to eat has been minimal.  
My husband Chris has been working  in Milwaukee for work for the week.  I decided to come visit him for the day/night. Which when your on a detox, its hard to travel let alone leave the house lol. Too many temptations!  At least for me.  You want to go to new restaurants and eat what you want so on. So I I packed myself a cooler filled with tomatoes and cucumbers. Bag of grapes, few waters and some "detox" salad I made which is cauliflower/broccoli mix. Anyways, I felt prepared. BUT then Chris said we should go to dinner. I literally panicked.

 What the hell am I going to eat? So instead of being a little bitch about it I said I would go and just see if I could eat out.  (Worse came to worse I would snack on my veggies and such when I got back) We ended up at the cheesecake factory. Talk about the worse place in the world to go on a detox other than maybe Willy Wonka's Chocolate factory lol.  BUT, I put my mind at ease. I said I can do this, and guess what? I did.  I ordered a grilled artichoke(only ate 1/2) and a huge salad. The salad contained the healthy lettuce(romaine and such) beets, cucumbers,zucchini, carrots and some sliced avocado.  I asked for a little balsamic on the side and it was soooo delicious. I thought wow, I am super full. I didn't finish the artichoke nor the salad and I was stuffed.  So, I felt instantly calmer and felt that this detox  didn't have to be that bad.   I want this more than ever. I want to loose the weight and FEEL good. And I feel I am at the perfect spot in my life at this moment.  Being on a detox is so mentally hard for me. I hate being told I can't eat something.  BUT What I hate worse is NOT being happy with what I look like or who I am.  I couldn't keep going at the rate I was.  Chris and I want children eventually and I want my time yet. I want a healthy body for them and more than that a healthy mind. I am not there yet, but I WILL be there.

I know you may be reading this and think I'm nuts or what not but I love who I feel I am becoming. And if this annoys you I would prefer you just delete me from facebook and your life all together if I am even in it( Facebook is all a bullshit fake world and we all know it.  Its a place we can "Accept" a friend but not say a SINGLE word to them in public.  Why is this? I can see every photo of your life. I can see your single or your married. I can see your favorite books and movies. I can see where you literally are because you just "checked in". I can see your first baby just got her first tooth.  I can see your having marital problems........ BUT god forbid I see you at Target. God forbid I pass you shopping at Old Navy. What a joke!

We stalk each other to see how everyone is doing in their lives. Are they more ahead of me? So they have the dream job, the house the kids? Talk about pressure!!! And if you don't do that "stalking" on facebook, your in denial. Sorry, sweetheart but you are. I know the deal, I'm it too-which is the reason for detox and maybe the all together removal of facebook or certain facebook friends. Hmmm....

I only have so much time here and so do you. So we HAVE to make the best of it.
We don't get this back.


Today I am Thankful For:
Fifty Shade of Grey for helping me through detox lol and thankful for peaceful time spent alone

Day 3- ON MY WAY

Day 3........................................

SO this week..I turned 27... Not really sure if its really an exciting age? BUT I am hoping its a good year for me. Healthy year =) Got a pedicure with my twinster and some friends then we had an awesome dinner with all our friends and had some birthday drinks. I realized my twin and I have some of the most amazing people in our lives. I always look forward to the good times with my/our friends. =)

.....Next week I will be doing a detox. Not just a food detox but a facebook detox too ha! No facebook for a week. I also made a goal board which hangs in my room!

Some may think ok big deal but we all know facebook is addictive. So part of this food detox is to also have mental well being and relaxation. So I plan to do just that. Light exercise, stretching, some yoga and breathing techniques. Along with this 7 day detox, I can not have anything besides fruits (3 servings a day) and all the veggies I want. Protein is only eaten if needed and minimal and only after three days.......

Detox is VERY difficult for me but at the same time I love day 7. So this detox will begin Tuesday. Sunday I plan to get all my groceries. Im excited too because Jess, my twinster, is doing this with me. We joined a weight loss/life style change! Were both nervous but excited to start the journey of weight loss together. We are so ready to be healthy , 100 %. So wish us luck with this new change!  Ive done the weight loss thing before but this will be the first time Jess and I do it together. So Im excited.

SO far on this journey of mine the one thing I have noticed is the stress that has lifted. I feel like the air is starting to clear and that I am on the right track. Today I met with a hypnotist. I know it sounds nuts but I wanted to know what they were about. It is definitely NOT what you see in the movies. No trance no couch. Its about positive attitude. Teaching yourself that you CAN be in control. Teaches yourself to say positive things to yourself and to delete the negative thoughts. It sounded pretty awesome but it was also a little costly. So , I was glad to know that kind of stuff is available but at this time I can for sure not afford it. So, until next time!

What I am Thankful For:

Birthdays and when Chris has a day off so we can spend time together like TODAY!

IM ON MY WAY!!!!!!!! LOVE IT