Change is a Process...Not an Event

Love this sticker. Saw it on Pinterest.  SO easy to get obsessed with that website, yikes.  Well today is a rainy Wednesday. Chris and I were suppose to take maternity photos for a friend but the weather decided to suck. O well...rescheduled.  I seem to reschedule a lot of things in my life. I put it off til' later. Then it comes and I push it off again. It's why I am stuck in this rut today....Heard this " If it's not working, Stop doing it". I could have listened to that 1,000 times and let it go in one ear and out the other but today I wrote it on a piece of paper. And I read it. And read it again. I read it about 5 times til it really sunk it.  I finally said...THIS is NOT working. I'm GOING to do something else. And it felt good, why? Because I have already decided to make a change. I FINALLY am doing something. Going to take control once and for all.
If someone said Jillian, you will be right where you are in a year from today I would want to punch them in the face then maybe the throat. The sound of it makes me sick. Makes me pissed. No WAY!
I am not happy right now. I am not even content where my life is. 

YES, I have wonderful things in my life.  Wonderful family, handsome husband...dog...house...car that's paid off... but too many things are wrong with my life. Too many for me to be okay with. And most of them I created myself.  My health, my weight my negative attitude. No one else. And that's why its the worse. I always say when your mad at yourself it is the worst feeling.  You should have the control to do the things you want, things you need to do, make certain decisions. But what the hell happens in that time frame?  When did the day come we just starting letting our self go and let each day passing thinking it was ok?  Because I'll tell you what, that lifestyle has caught up to me. To the point where I have to force myself to be happy.  I want to take advantage of this life. I want to find the way to be happy.

I mean do YOU ever just feel that your in a fog? Life is on full speed...Your in a mess and you just keep getting dumped on? Like you serioulsy can't take on one more fucking thing?? How is anyone to have a clear mind? How is anyone to make a decision when they never get a break?? Well, if you feel like that, its time to force a break. YOU NEED IT.

Now, this mental and physically journey is not going to happen overnight. Like I said, I want to blog. I like it. I want to just put it out there.  As far as it stands, I asked for a leave of absence from work. This tentatively will begin June 11th. The first day to the start of this journey. I have been preparing up to that day. Making appointments, researching the classes (health and yoga),making a work out schedule etc. I hope I see some sort of good in this. I hope I feel it at the end.

I can't wait to  wake up and take a god damn breath. Stretch and get my head on straight for the day. I refuse to waste one minute in this 30 days. And 30 days, I don't plan to have it all set. I know this will take me some time. It would take anyone some time!  But its time to get my eating straight, get my health back to a more peaceful state and have mental well-being. I feel lucky to have the job I have now. They are willing to give me this time away.  I am thankful to my husband and family to help me financially. I can tell people love me and want me well.  I WANT me well too.

Identify Weakness & Fix it. I plan to.

Today I am Thankful For:  My awesome $3.00 rummage sale waterfall and my bed =)

What a mix this is....

Well, very annoyed today. Not 100% sure why....maybe lack. severe lack of sleep last night or the over drafting in my back account or the asshole drivers when I just wanted to be home from work- or how about coming home from working to recyclables all over my front and back yard---and I forgot to put mine out today. SO your welcome neighbor I cleaned up your crap =) HA. ANYWAYS

 I like this whole blogging stuff cuz I can just bitch if I need too, TODAY is that day.

Well first thing is that a few days ago I got a call from my doctors office. I was told that my inflammation markers were starting to go down and look more normal. I was thrilled. BUT today I checked on them. My doctors office has this portal thing so you can always look at your test results. Ok I went down 3 points. 3. What....the...hell.  Ok people, my inflammation markers were super high and I am sorry but going down three points is not that awesome of news. Yeah, awesome I am going down but I am still a high risk.

   You know, I called my doctors office and asked to talk to someone about nutrition. I said I wanted to more informed on how to best eat with having some of the medical conditions I have.  So they told me they do not have any nutritionist but I could set up an appointment with my pill pushing doctor. Yeah,ok.  WHY would I do this? Every time I would go see my doctors in the past 18 months NUTRITION was NEVER brought up. NOT once.  You would think that nutrition may be infact crucial to my healing. Not to my doctors.  It was ALL about medications and that really pissed me off. I should have had faith it it?  I truly believe if more people understood nutrition people would eat better.   Were so conditioned to treat our symptoms and NEVER the problem.  Medications and surgeries, time wasting follow ups, insurance denials........... Just when has a patient had ENOUGH!

When will they say to you, hey you feel like shit because you eat like shit. Hey your overweight because you sit on your ass all day and hit up the 99 cent heart attack deal at the drive though. That is why YOU have to take control.  People laugh at organic and alternative therapies but think about it!.  CUT out the shit that is killing you.  Live differently because obviously the way we are living is NOT working for us. 

Its all about money. And its true we stress ourselves out to buy the shit we THINK we want. We think it will make us happy but its just more stress.  I feel like we all need to just STOP and chill out.  Take a breath!  That is what I am forcing myself to do,  I am forcing myself to stop listening to EVERYONE else and listen to myself.  

We dont really have that long here. I mean just step back right at this moment and ask yourself, When did I get here?How did I get here? Is college really over? Never thought it would end......  When did I all the sudden have a home...a dog,.....my own lawn to cut?

  If you could only re live that memory of meeting the person you fell in love with again, go back to the minute he said he would be gone for a few months and how it made you want to fall to your knees because you realize you loved him....  The moment that minister said I now Pronounce you Man and Wife. The moment the doctor said, Your Pregnant. The minute you heard your baby cry. The very second he told you he loved you.  Or even how it feels when someone just tells you...It will be ok.  These moments go so freak-en fast. And maybe its hard to me to grasp it all. Especially when I hear people that I went to high school with who are on their third baby or even second marriages. Cuz I remember them as they were in high school. I wish I could let that go.  I wonder if it ever goes away...If you could seriously look at someone from high school and say that have truly changed. If I can view them as different people than they were back then.  And I am amazed at how quickly that had checked itself. People writing me. People I knew as a different person back then who confessed personal things to me. Unreal. And I was so open to it. They always looked picture perfect and its nice to know that were real....even if highs school didn't let them be. lol. Because Ill be damned sure they are going to teach their children to be nice to everyone. -even though they wont be. =)

 Because sometimes we don't think it could be ok..........Its just soo much to take in. LIFE not things.  If you can do the best you can and put a smile on your face, that's lucky.

I remember some specific moments.  I DO remember the second Chris told me he was moving to Colorado and how when he left that morning in November I fell to the ground.( It was actually my lawn at 4am in the dark and Chris said he couldn't go if I didn't go inside....I would have sat on the lawn forever... I prayed he would turn around. I prayed I would see break lights but never did.  I crawled back to my room and thought my life was over..........But than I think if he didn't go, I wouldn't be sitting here with him as my husband in our home.

I remember the moment I was told dad had Parkinson's. I remember not having a clue what it meant. But Ill tell you what, I know now. 

I remember the anxious feeling of working so hard to try to get out our home.  Between all the No's from the banks and lack of income.classes to show we could be homeowners...we thought we would never be approved for a home ever. But than it all changed and the handshake saying, Congratulations your a home owner.   WOAH.

There is more but maybe for a later blogging lol

And I think YOU whoever is reading mine right now should start your own.  You would be surprised at how awesome it feels to just write. Who never know who is reading or whose views you may be changing...

I think life never turns out to be the way you think, but its almost got to be that way.  Just like this blog. I was all over the place, but that's how I write the best. That's how I like to write.

The free-er the better because life doesn't  always allow me or you to be that way. So I say we start to think how can we really start living to make ourselves happy? Don't waste time. You barely have any to begin with...

Today I am Thankful For:  The sticker above is from all the nice feedback from you...people have written and shared with me things they probably never thought they would....... 

Letting It All go

I just want people to know I write what I am thinking at the time. Its NOT about me feeling sorry for myself, not about me looking for sympathy either. This is about just LETTING me express myself. I am trying to change myself. And in that change I need to let go.......let go of everthing that eats away from me.  I want to be a person who is focused.positive and dependable.  Right now I feel I am not that person.

I feel everyone has a family who has a specific problem in that family.  Some children deal with molestation, some wives deal with mental and physical abuse, some husbands deal with alcoholic wives, and some deal with a dying family member who deteriorates right in front of their face. It could be more simple to a woman who just feels alone in a marriage, a wife who doesn't know if she loves her husband anymore or even a shopping addiction-putting all that money on credit cards.
 It doesn't matter what it is. Every family has to deal with something.

I saw a saying that said something like...if we were to throw our problems into a pile with everyone else's we would probably grab ours back.  And I think it is true.  Just when you think your jealous of another couple, another family or another person reality will show.  Time will show that in fact they DON"T have it better than you.  For a long time I would get jealous of other people's dads, other peoples lives, other people.  But now I'm starting to realize they got issues too.  Grass may look greener on the other side but its been spray painted green. The surface of that grass looks good but those roots are tainted.

I guess I'm getting to the point that I have to stop worrying about what people think and say. They are just people. For YEARS I let them hurt me. I let them fuck up my day Strangers complete strangers-I let them ruin me. And that's why I feel it is time to take it back.

Understand that maybe they didn't have it as good as I thought and letting it out on me maybe made them feel better.  So instead of being upset of the past and rude things they have said to me, I'm going to take it as I was helping THEM.

If I don't turn it around and look at it in a positive light, it will always control me. so, fuck it. Done feeling that way. Its lingered for to long.

If your wondering what has been said to me in the past here is a blurb: (Can't believe I am doing this)
THIS IS WHAT I REMEMBER PEOPLE SAYING TO ME. THESE WORDS HAVE BEEN BURNED INTO MY MIND....NOT A DAY GOES PAST I DON'T THINK OF ONE OF THEM

1. WOW, Your a little big, eh? - said from a man walking past me in a parking lot
2. Hey you want to wrestle?- said from a man who walked past me at the mall
3. Wow, your so tall, your a beast- said from "friend" 2 seconds before I was about to give a presentation at school
4. Wow, Do you really weigh that much?- said from a medical doctor to me
5. "You got this, Your 10 times bigger than him"- said at a campfire to me as I was minding my own business
6.  Walked into a store at the Oshkosh Outlets, before I could even hear the door close behind me  a sales lady YELLED across the store- Mam, the Plus size clothing is on the other side of the store. Embarrassed out of my mind I turned around instantly and left
7. Your Huge.
8. When I was younger I remember being at family reunion and walking on the sidewalk a boy yelled Hey, Don't you know these sidewalks have a weight limit?
9.Your tall, Your like an Amazon Woman
10. Walking into a bar on college ave  for a fun night out with my friends a guy yelled HEY YOUR FAT!

SO, these are just some of the things people have said to me in the past-.  Wouldn't you feel like complete shit? Wouldn't you have a breakdown? I am ready for these words to leave my mind. I think people have stopped saying things to be because I can be intimidating. I don't want people to be scared of me but I also don't want to feel like a circus freak.

I'm ready for better thoughts. Jillian your beautiful, Jillian you are Strong. Jillian you are going to be successful.

And if one more person calls me tall or big........I may just start simply punching them in the face. I think of it as a stress reliever?

And dont tell me to ignore them. When people rip at your feelings, how the hell do you ignore them? If you got the secret feel free to share- but if your skinny lol don't even bother-YOU DO NOT KNOW what it is like-------------------------------------


Today I am thankful for:  Blogging and Organic Apples

And so it goes.......sad heart tonight

Well it's Friday. Worked and came home to make a nice healthy dinner for myself. Grilled fish, super greens salad and some "pasta"-which was made from mushrooms and soybean. Really good- kinda proud of myself! Yeah the "pasta" is rubbery but it was good.


 Had a nice long overdue conversation/visit with a good high school friend of mine, Danielle.  Makes you wonder where the time goes. I think of being in high school and never worrying about my future.  It was always about Friday night. How much partying and how much time you could spend with your friends.   I liked when I could have off for the summer. Wake up bout noon. Head into the sunshine. Ride around wasting gallons of gas going nowhere as fast as we could. Hell, we use to cruise the ave every weekend.  I wonder with all the miles we put on or all the gas we used, where we could have truly travelled too....Fiji? lol.  I look back and think what the hell.... we did have fun though.

Stress then wasn't like stress now. Now its about getting the mortgage paid by Friday. Putting groceries in the house. Did we pay the cable bill? Was the insurance paid?? Annoying-Frustrating-Sad........Growing up. Sure it has its ups. Graduation, marriage,buy a house, babies.......I left dream job out because it seems those aren't around anymore. If you have yours, good for you. Most do not. But then what is next? I hate not knowing, but I guess it also leaves the fun in it.

 

Looked at some wedding photos tonight. What a great day it was and a blur at the same time. I get drawn to the photos with dad and I.   I know he tried to dance but it just wasn't happening. I was always worried about the father-daughter dance for this reason-I am thankful he was there though, to sit with me. Watch our little slide show. Stare at all the old memories and get hit with the reality of his illness all at the same time. I don't understand it. 

In all honesty, I lost my dad a long time ago. My dad is physically here but he will never be here for me mentally or emoitionally.  I don't know if I will ever accept his disease. I don't know how. Im sad that I am angry all the time. Not angry at him but angry at the Parkinsons for taking him from me. I still need him and I can't have him even though his is still in front of me.  The pain digs deep, so deep my heart truly hurts.  Dad use to be tough. He use to not give a shit. He use to not have fear. He was solid and brave- to me anyways.  We would drive around in his old fords and giver. We use to go fishing, we use to decorate the Christmas tree together...........it all ended. Just like that. 

No he trembels. Now he can't think straight. Now he can't walk sometimes.  Now I feel alone. 

I always felt Jess was like mom and I was like dad. We loved rabbits and kittens and fishing. All faded away.  Now his memory sucks. He is giving up. He has been giving up for a long time.

Doesn't he still know I care? The family cares? Some days I think he just wants to be dead already. I think he just doesn't want to live one more day in pain. One more day of confusion, one more day of my mother lifting him on and off the toliet.One more day of not being able to swallow or talk properly........... He wants the pain to end but it wont.


I heard this ahwile ago that your getting older and your parents are too. Life is so short. You never seem to think life is going by until you step back and take a look at where you are.  I know we are all here for a short while and I am going to figure out to make the best of it.


Today I am thankful for:  Memories and the gift my boss gave me, a bloodstone. (Its a smooth rock-Its to have healing powers and today I feel I need them.

~Jillian

My Health...My scary Background

Here is is.  When I was younger I never cared about my health. I thought twinkies with a side a mac n cheese was no big deal. In Highschool, it was worse. Airheads, granola bars and doritos and constant crap.  CONSTANT chemical rancic crap.  Looking back I think how the hell could I have eaten that shit? HOW did I think it was ok? SO once I graduated highschool I decided to join one of the many so called weight loss plans. LA Weight Loss was my first true look at weight loss. First three days were detox.  SO I  went from eating a cheeseburger and fries to the very next day eating ONLY greens and drinking a liquid combination.  I cried. I cried all three days. Pathetic?!? Unreal.  Until this point I lived with my twin sister and best bud Holly. Pizza Hut, oreos and chips were the norm at the apartment. Sugared down ceral for breakfest submersed in  cows milk. And hell why not wash it down with a swig of soda? It was early I needed the caffiene. LOL HOLY HELL!

Ok, SO I did LA Weightloss. When I wasn't crying about not being able to have ice cream or chinese, I was eating good. I ate THE SAME FOODS every single day.  Breakfest was 3 eggs with ground turkey meat. Lunch was a grilled chicken salad and dinner was a prepackage meal. Snacks? Hmm yogurt or an apple. Maybe some shrimp. But within one week I had lost 7 pounds.  I Could NOT believe itl. Water weight or not the scale had gone down. SO I continued to eat this way for weeks. In 16 weeks I had lost almost 30 pounds and THEN I plateued. I stopped losing weight.  I began to shut down immidiately. I still rememer the firt thing is cheated on. It was three tortilla chips. FUCK. I slowly gave up. I got lazy again. The weight returned and then some and once again I was miserable. Hated my life and myself.

Life goes on.....

Then a little blessing came into my life. Her name was Chele and she ran a program called Transitions at Snap Fitness in Kaukauna. 12 week course based on a low-glycemic lifestyle. First 6 weeks if I can recall were NO GRAINS. Met a girl named Mandi who signed up at same time. (WHICH can I add has lost over 160 pounds by diet and exercise on Transitions!! She is just amazing and an inspiration) I started Transitons ans realized it was pretty easy,yes I had a 7 day detox.  It was hard, I wont lie but I made it through. I was also working out and also had some bootcamps and traingin with Chele.  I lost 26 pounds and felt wonderful. But soon the 12 weeks ended and I felt abandoned. I felt lost. I felt that I couldnt do it on my own and sure shit I lost control AGAIN.  Months and months passed. FELT like complete shit. Tried my hardest to eat right and exercise but I gave up............

Life goes on....

Tried joining Weight Watchers.  Couldnt get into it. If there is one thing most people know about me is my hatered for ASPARTAME. HATE HATE HATE it.  There I was at my first meeting. Watching these women suck down Diet Pepsi and Diet Mountain Dew.  Snacking on thier sugar free toxic snacks and I decided I couldnt commit. Say what you want but a lot of their products have synthetic toxic crap.  Moving on...

Than my body began to rebel. I got sick....all the time.  It started with severe anxiety. Went to the doctor and sure shit gave me a pill sent me on my way.  I went home . Started the pills. Felt more fucked up than ever.  Horrible stomach pain....constantly. I was told it was anxiety- was given a new pill for anxiety PLUS a little purple pill I was to take every damn day, Nexium.

Stomach stuff persisted for get this 18 months. NOT ONCE was any condition talked about.  I was sick all the time.  I would try to leave my house and would shortly return.  Hopeless and fearing the worse I demanded to be seen and I demanded NO MEDICATIONS. I demaned and explanation. SO tests were run. Lots of tests.  First test came back. H-Pylori infection in my stomach. After two full weeks of harsh antibiotics it seemed to have gone away. Felt ok but not great. SUcked it up spent the expensive money on the antibiotics and felt like shit. Not to mention I wiped out all bacteria good and bad.  I was NOT happy with the medical system at this point. More test were run
At 26, I had a colonoscopy and Endoscope. Not the funnest day of my life but had to to it. That revealed severe Gastritis and Intestinal Metaplasia. More than likely the consequences of H-Pylori. I was bummed and scared but relived to know at this point I wasnt crazy. I knew something was wrong with my body. Not to mention I now have a higher risk of stomach cancer.

But then.. a scary emergency room visit three days after my wedding, the doctor still had no explanation. I woke up that morning, 6am to get ready for work. I simply walked into the bathroom to get ready and in an instant I began to sweat like crazy. I almost passed out and went to the floor right away.  Intense pain in my left side (back)- (WHICH I have been dealing with for months. THEY even put me on antibitiocs for a kidney infection. Which would be fine until 3 days in I got a call from my doctor that I DIDNT have a kidney infection. They have no idea what is wrong. And to this day I am STILL dealing with constant lower left back pain)
.I couldnt even yell for Chris. My vision was fuzzy and I couldnt catch my breath. SO off to the ER I went.  SO after 3 CT scans, an MRI, chest xray and blood cultures and a extremly high white blood count, I got an answer from the doctor. " Your a medical mysterty, we cant find whats wrong with you."  I started bawling, how the hell could that be? They cant find anything wrong with me. Blamed it on the gastritis and 6 hours later I was on my way home. No answers. No hope.

HERE I am again. Even though my history doesnt give me or you much confidence I will pursue happiness.

I WILL gain control and not weight. I WILL loose the negative attitude and not my self control. I truly belive this is a mental battle for me. I loose everytime but this time. THIS TIME I WILL NOT. I need support and I have it. I have the best husband and friends in the world. BUT no one is like my mother. She is here for me and will help me in no matter what battles I have.  I NEED TO get my health on track and I intend to do so. I am not 100%. I am still not feeling good and I am worried.

Please give me strength and wish me luck.

~Jillian

It Begins

It Begins.............

So here is the gist of Jillian.  I am married to my husband Chris. We have two furry children ( a dog and a cat) and a home together. I have my Bachelors degree and work at a job that has nothing to do with it.  I have a caring  and beautiful twin sister named Jessica.  I also have four half brothers and half sisters. My dad has been fighting Parkinson's Disease for well over 10 years now. My mother is his stay at home caregiver where she tries to hold up the family and herself everyday.

Well today I decided I wanted to be the first day of my new life.  I did something I never thought I never would do. Well I actually did three things I never thought I would do.
 I asked my boss to have off a one month leave of absence. I made and ate tofu and sent in my submission for some plus size modeling. Hmmm who knows?

 lol, But anyways I have decided to make some changes.  Changes both mentally and physically. The path I am on is not where I need to be. My attitude, my my outlook on life and my weight, all problems in my life.

I have tried to think why I depend on food so much. Yes, of course I depend on it to survive. But this so called survival is what is killing me and making my body rancid.  I know what to eat. I know what to drink. I know the goodness of healthy foods and I do eat them, just not all the time. Hmmmm, first task is to get a handle on this. SO with my 30 days away from work I have a game plan.....

My 30 day plan goes as so:

1. See a therapist about my emotional eating at least once a week
2. See a Dietitian to make sure I am eating what I think it right
3. Do something EACH day that I wouldn't normally do...food..or event
4.  REMOVE all negative thoughts from my head
5. REMOVE all if any junk food from my household
6. Take a one week break from facebook  NO logging in
7.Teach myself to stay optimistic...hang with positive people
8. Work out Every single day....Even if just a 30 minute walk
9. Try Yoga for Mental Clarity



Ok so it sounds like a good game plan. I plan to blog about it! This is my first blog so lets see what happens.

* TODAY I AM THANKFUL FOR*:   My Mother and Extra Virgin Coconut Oil

~ Jillian~