Had a nice long overdue conversation/visit with a good high school friend of mine, Danielle. Makes you wonder where the time goes. I think of being in high school and never worrying about my future. It was always about Friday night. How much partying and how much time you could spend with your friends. I liked when I could have off for the summer. Wake up bout noon. Head into the sunshine. Ride around wasting gallons of gas going nowhere as fast as we could. Hell, we use to cruise the ave every weekend. I wonder with all the miles we put on or all the gas we used, where we could have truly travelled too....Fiji? lol. I look back and think what the hell.... we did have fun though.
Stress then wasn't like stress now. Now its about getting the mortgage paid by Friday. Putting groceries in the house. Did we pay the cable bill? Was the insurance paid?? Annoying-Frustrating-Sad........Growing up. Sure it has its ups. Graduation, marriage,buy a house, babies.......I left dream job out because it seems those aren't around anymore. If you have yours, good for you. Most do not. But then what is next? I hate not knowing, but I guess it also leaves the fun in it.
Looked at some wedding photos tonight. What a great day it was and a blur at the same time. I get drawn to the photos with dad and I. I know he tried to dance but it just wasn't happening. I was always worried about the father-daughter dance for this reason-I am thankful he was there though, to sit with me. Watch our little slide show. Stare at all the old memories and get hit with the reality of his illness all at the same time. I don't understand it.
In all honesty, I lost my dad a long time ago. My dad is physically here but he will never be here for me mentally or emoitionally. I don't know if I will ever accept his disease. I don't know how. Im sad that I am angry all the time. Not angry at him but angry at the Parkinsons for taking him from me. I still need him and I can't have him even though his is still in front of me. The pain digs deep, so deep my heart truly hurts. Dad use to be tough. He use to not give a shit. He use to not have fear. He was solid and brave- to me anyways. We would drive around in his old fords and giver. We use to go fishing, we use to decorate the Christmas tree together...........it all ended. Just like that.
No he trembels. Now he can't think straight. Now he can't walk sometimes. Now I feel alone.
I always felt Jess was like mom and I was like dad. We loved rabbits and kittens and fishing. All faded away. Now his memory sucks. He is giving up. He has been giving up for a long time.
Doesn't he still know I care? The family cares? Some days I think he just wants to be dead already. I think he just doesn't want to live one more day in pain. One more day of confusion, one more day of my mother lifting him on and off the toliet.One more day of not being able to swallow or talk properly........... He wants the pain to end but it wont.
I heard this ahwile ago that your getting older and your parents are too. Life is so short. You never seem to think life is going by until you step back and take a look at where you are. I know we are all here for a short while and I am going to figure out to make the best of it.
Today I am thankful for: Memories and the gift my boss gave me, a bloodstone. (Its a smooth rock-Its to have healing powers and today I feel I need them.
~Jillian
No comments:
Post a Comment