Change is a Process...Not an Event

Love this sticker. Saw it on Pinterest.  SO easy to get obsessed with that website, yikes.  Well today is a rainy Wednesday. Chris and I were suppose to take maternity photos for a friend but the weather decided to suck. O well...rescheduled.  I seem to reschedule a lot of things in my life. I put it off til' later. Then it comes and I push it off again. It's why I am stuck in this rut today....Heard this " If it's not working, Stop doing it". I could have listened to that 1,000 times and let it go in one ear and out the other but today I wrote it on a piece of paper. And I read it. And read it again. I read it about 5 times til it really sunk it.  I finally said...THIS is NOT working. I'm GOING to do something else. And it felt good, why? Because I have already decided to make a change. I FINALLY am doing something. Going to take control once and for all.
If someone said Jillian, you will be right where you are in a year from today I would want to punch them in the face then maybe the throat. The sound of it makes me sick. Makes me pissed. No WAY!
I am not happy right now. I am not even content where my life is. 

YES, I have wonderful things in my life.  Wonderful family, handsome husband...dog...house...car that's paid off... but too many things are wrong with my life. Too many for me to be okay with. And most of them I created myself.  My health, my weight my negative attitude. No one else. And that's why its the worse. I always say when your mad at yourself it is the worst feeling.  You should have the control to do the things you want, things you need to do, make certain decisions. But what the hell happens in that time frame?  When did the day come we just starting letting our self go and let each day passing thinking it was ok?  Because I'll tell you what, that lifestyle has caught up to me. To the point where I have to force myself to be happy.  I want to take advantage of this life. I want to find the way to be happy.

I mean do YOU ever just feel that your in a fog? Life is on full speed...Your in a mess and you just keep getting dumped on? Like you serioulsy can't take on one more fucking thing?? How is anyone to have a clear mind? How is anyone to make a decision when they never get a break?? Well, if you feel like that, its time to force a break. YOU NEED IT.

Now, this mental and physically journey is not going to happen overnight. Like I said, I want to blog. I like it. I want to just put it out there.  As far as it stands, I asked for a leave of absence from work. This tentatively will begin June 11th. The first day to the start of this journey. I have been preparing up to that day. Making appointments, researching the classes (health and yoga),making a work out schedule etc. I hope I see some sort of good in this. I hope I feel it at the end.

I can't wait to  wake up and take a god damn breath. Stretch and get my head on straight for the day. I refuse to waste one minute in this 30 days. And 30 days, I don't plan to have it all set. I know this will take me some time. It would take anyone some time!  But its time to get my eating straight, get my health back to a more peaceful state and have mental well-being. I feel lucky to have the job I have now. They are willing to give me this time away.  I am thankful to my husband and family to help me financially. I can tell people love me and want me well.  I WANT me well too.

Identify Weakness & Fix it. I plan to.

Today I am Thankful For:  My awesome $3.00 rummage sale waterfall and my bed =)