Letting It All go

I just want people to know I write what I am thinking at the time. Its NOT about me feeling sorry for myself, not about me looking for sympathy either. This is about just LETTING me express myself. I am trying to change myself. And in that change I need to let go.......let go of everthing that eats away from me.  I want to be a person who is focused.positive and dependable.  Right now I feel I am not that person.

I feel everyone has a family who has a specific problem in that family.  Some children deal with molestation, some wives deal with mental and physical abuse, some husbands deal with alcoholic wives, and some deal with a dying family member who deteriorates right in front of their face. It could be more simple to a woman who just feels alone in a marriage, a wife who doesn't know if she loves her husband anymore or even a shopping addiction-putting all that money on credit cards.
 It doesn't matter what it is. Every family has to deal with something.

I saw a saying that said something like...if we were to throw our problems into a pile with everyone else's we would probably grab ours back.  And I think it is true.  Just when you think your jealous of another couple, another family or another person reality will show.  Time will show that in fact they DON"T have it better than you.  For a long time I would get jealous of other people's dads, other peoples lives, other people.  But now I'm starting to realize they got issues too.  Grass may look greener on the other side but its been spray painted green. The surface of that grass looks good but those roots are tainted.

I guess I'm getting to the point that I have to stop worrying about what people think and say. They are just people. For YEARS I let them hurt me. I let them fuck up my day Strangers complete strangers-I let them ruin me. And that's why I feel it is time to take it back.

Understand that maybe they didn't have it as good as I thought and letting it out on me maybe made them feel better.  So instead of being upset of the past and rude things they have said to me, I'm going to take it as I was helping THEM.

If I don't turn it around and look at it in a positive light, it will always control me. so, fuck it. Done feeling that way. Its lingered for to long.

If your wondering what has been said to me in the past here is a blurb: (Can't believe I am doing this)
THIS IS WHAT I REMEMBER PEOPLE SAYING TO ME. THESE WORDS HAVE BEEN BURNED INTO MY MIND....NOT A DAY GOES PAST I DON'T THINK OF ONE OF THEM

1. WOW, Your a little big, eh? - said from a man walking past me in a parking lot
2. Hey you want to wrestle?- said from a man who walked past me at the mall
3. Wow, your so tall, your a beast- said from "friend" 2 seconds before I was about to give a presentation at school
4. Wow, Do you really weigh that much?- said from a medical doctor to me
5. "You got this, Your 10 times bigger than him"- said at a campfire to me as I was minding my own business
6.  Walked into a store at the Oshkosh Outlets, before I could even hear the door close behind me  a sales lady YELLED across the store- Mam, the Plus size clothing is on the other side of the store. Embarrassed out of my mind I turned around instantly and left
7. Your Huge.
8. When I was younger I remember being at family reunion and walking on the sidewalk a boy yelled Hey, Don't you know these sidewalks have a weight limit?
9.Your tall, Your like an Amazon Woman
10. Walking into a bar on college ave  for a fun night out with my friends a guy yelled HEY YOUR FAT!

SO, these are just some of the things people have said to me in the past-.  Wouldn't you feel like complete shit? Wouldn't you have a breakdown? I am ready for these words to leave my mind. I think people have stopped saying things to be because I can be intimidating. I don't want people to be scared of me but I also don't want to feel like a circus freak.

I'm ready for better thoughts. Jillian your beautiful, Jillian you are Strong. Jillian you are going to be successful.

And if one more person calls me tall or big........I may just start simply punching them in the face. I think of it as a stress reliever?

And dont tell me to ignore them. When people rip at your feelings, how the hell do you ignore them? If you got the secret feel free to share- but if your skinny lol don't even bother-YOU DO NOT KNOW what it is like-------------------------------------


Today I am thankful for:  Blogging and Organic Apples