.....Things are looking up.......fingers crossed

Well......it has been awhile. It's a rainy day so I thought I would catch back up and write!
So some new things to report. Since changing my lifestyle, I have been feeling tons better. Five months ago when I had my first Upper GI scope it was pretty miserable in this stomach of mine. Horrible inflammation. Proud to report that I had my second Upper GI just two days ago and I was told my stomach looked healthy and pink. Doc said he didn't really see anything wrong in there. No ulcers no inflammed tissue. I did have gastritis and intestinal metaplasia last scope Which both put me at a higher risk of stomach cancer. Scared the shit out of me which made me finally put my foot down, that I was done living the lifestyle I was. (I have some biopsies still pending). BUT it made me really happy because it means what I have been doing is helping my stomach to heal. I have lost 19 pounds and 9 inches. I was hoping the weight loss would be a little better, but every pound has been worth it. Eating lots of coconut oil, drinking barely tea to help my stomach and on an herb called Slippery Elm.

 I WILL continue on this path. I went from being sick daily to not really sick at all in the past months. I think that would be enough to change any persons mind....I get shit from a lot of people. They don't believe it all of it. But I don't care. I have to do what is right for me. So I listen to the criticism and move forward and ignore it. I never understood how someone can take a medication from a doctor which has an endless side effect list ( AND by the way just eases SYMPTOMS not the CAUSE)and no one thinks twice but the SECOND I say I'm trying some new herbs and they are helping -people think Im nuts. No, your nuts. Im trying to in fact HEAL myself and GET RID of the problem. Your medication is making you feel a little better but really for how long? The problem is STILL there, your just numbing it. And I have been on meds. I did them for years....I have done them why? My doctor scared the shit out of me and I gave in.  Well, that's over with. DONE with it. (Now, I get some meds may be necessary to save your life, but if you change nothing about your lifestyle than you can plan to be on those meds for a long long time-),

Recently my stomach pains have come back here and there so I'm once again trying to figure it all out. I am so determined to figure it out. May just be stress at this point, who knows. I am eating healthy and taking my supplements so I know I am heading the right way. I am thinking of embarking on a plant based diet. I want to just try different paths. I like doing that. Experimenting with different ideas. Paleo diet seems pretty cool. Time consuming but I want to eat as natural and as unprocessed as possible. I have some new ideas.....stay tuned. Whoo hoooooo

Parkinson's-1 Family-0 Evil bitch

.......Today....... Heartsick....Mentally drained...........

Parkinson's is a bitch. It's an evil evil disease. Its taking him..sucking the life from him...... It doesn't just rip apart the individual that it infests but rips a part  families.s.  Rips out our hearts and makes us mentally useless . I can't even think straight sometimes.  I have lost my father yet he is right in front of me.  I just want to shake him. I want it out I want gone.

 HOW do I make peace with Parkinson's?  How do I stop it from emotionally destroying me when I watch him deteriorate in front of me?  How do I accept this bullshit. I don't want to play the why me, why our family . Why him but I cant help it.  I am sooooo angry and I don't even know who at.  How do I let this be ok when it just isn't ever going to be ok?

How do you watch someone you love die?  How do you stand there helpless? I want to fight for him so bad. I want him to come back to us.........and he never will.


Dad was admitted to the hospital yesterday with no hope of ever returning home.  We will have to find a new "home" for him. One that will help him with his needs.   Daily fucking needs.  Brushing teeth. Showers. Baths.  Thinking. Eating.

This isn't suppose to be like this.  He is suppose to be here for me. He is suppose to be here for us. He is suppose to be my dad! Why the fuck!

Today. Today is a bad day. I get it. I can't get use to this. I can't make it better for anyone of us and its so hard.



-lost-hurt-emotionally fucked today


Today I am not happy for anything- Today needs to be done. And so does the Parkinson's. It needs to be done.

Even though we couldn't share a dance together.......I'm glad he didn't miss it......

Jillian

Ugh..Need to breathe

...Detox is done.....

It went very well. Better than expected. I felt really good on it. It was a 7 day detox and on the 8th day I could bring in protein and other low glycemic foods.  So on day 8, I didnt feel like cooking so I went out to dinner with my husband. Go figure I got deathyly ill after about 15 minutes finishing my dinner. I don't know if I just wasnt ready or what but we ate at a local well-known restruant. I ordered a grilled chicken salad. No bacon No croutons. I did get ranch dressing but on the side .  It had nothing out of the norm.  No bread or anything fried either. Im wondering if it was the mushrooms my husband got on the side, if they were cooked in an oil my body didnt want.  I thought I was going to die. I am still not feeling well from it.  SO I decided I am NOT visting anymore restuarants anytime soon. I dont think I can trust what they are cooking will work with my body.  I ate very clean for a week and Im wondering if my body is just saying lets stick to that.

Today I feel mentally withdrawn and exhausted. Things with my dad are not going so great. Few weeks ago we went out to dinner and when he got home he asked my mom What they were hving for dinner. When she said we just ate, he asked her what he had. Few days ago he tried to call people from the remote control. Was upset at my mother after she took it from him. He didn't understand why he couldnt make calls.  Then two days ago he put paint thinner in my mothers car thinking it was windshield washer fluid.  He is forgetting more and more.  As his daughter I am getting more and more concerned.  We are use to the Parkinsons to a point but the probem with it is the progression of it.  It has sped up faster than we can keep up with.  UGH so frustrating. Anyone who has a sick parent, it is the shits.  I always want to do the "why" us. Why our family but it seems everyone has something in their family too. And I suppose if they arent dealing with it now it's coming.  Just being 27 and having an ill parent seems backwards. I thought for sure this would be later in life. Nothing we can do but make dad comforable at this point. It will get worse and  we just got to stick together. Whoever that is. Jess and myself and mom I suppose?  Noone else seems to have the time that he needs.  It is very limited might I add. Dad is physically here but mentally he is here and not here. Its the most frustrating disease , I swear.

I wish I had things more figured out. So frustrated today. I wish money didn't rule everything............

O well.......life goes on..........

Today I Am Thankful For:  My pup Wrigs and air conditioning

I picked this photo because she looks so free......It's beautiful.

Detox ....Here we go!

DETOX..........
So today is day 3 of my detox from toxic food and facebook =)  ( yes this is posted on facebook but nothing was checked). It is going great and I feel so amazing.  I thought for sure I would be in tears by now wanting something toxic.  Cookies or  baked Cheetos . Both my weakness.
Again it is only day three but I no longer feel bloated. I feel thinner and Ill tell you what it feels good. I may not be "thinner" YET but feeling lighter feels good =)  Ive been mainly consuming vegetables and fruits. Lots of tea and water. I am allowed spices and seasonings so I have made different combinations of creative foods lol. You have to or you'll you nuts!   I usually hate veggie burgers but we are allowed them on this detox so I have one for dinner or lunch with veggies.  I bought a bunch of organic strawberries and grapes so when I feel like I could cave in, I grab for those. I think its helping that its been so hot out because my desire to eat has been minimal.  
My husband Chris has been working  in Milwaukee for work for the week.  I decided to come visit him for the day/night. Which when your on a detox, its hard to travel let alone leave the house lol. Too many temptations!  At least for me.  You want to go to new restaurants and eat what you want so on. So I I packed myself a cooler filled with tomatoes and cucumbers. Bag of grapes, few waters and some "detox" salad I made which is cauliflower/broccoli mix. Anyways, I felt prepared. BUT then Chris said we should go to dinner. I literally panicked.

 What the hell am I going to eat? So instead of being a little bitch about it I said I would go and just see if I could eat out.  (Worse came to worse I would snack on my veggies and such when I got back) We ended up at the cheesecake factory. Talk about the worse place in the world to go on a detox other than maybe Willy Wonka's Chocolate factory lol.  BUT, I put my mind at ease. I said I can do this, and guess what? I did.  I ordered a grilled artichoke(only ate 1/2) and a huge salad. The salad contained the healthy lettuce(romaine and such) beets, cucumbers,zucchini, carrots and some sliced avocado.  I asked for a little balsamic on the side and it was soooo delicious. I thought wow, I am super full. I didn't finish the artichoke nor the salad and I was stuffed.  So, I felt instantly calmer and felt that this detox  didn't have to be that bad.   I want this more than ever. I want to loose the weight and FEEL good. And I feel I am at the perfect spot in my life at this moment.  Being on a detox is so mentally hard for me. I hate being told I can't eat something.  BUT What I hate worse is NOT being happy with what I look like or who I am.  I couldn't keep going at the rate I was.  Chris and I want children eventually and I want my time yet. I want a healthy body for them and more than that a healthy mind. I am not there yet, but I WILL be there.

I know you may be reading this and think I'm nuts or what not but I love who I feel I am becoming. And if this annoys you I would prefer you just delete me from facebook and your life all together if I am even in it( Facebook is all a bullshit fake world and we all know it.  Its a place we can "Accept" a friend but not say a SINGLE word to them in public.  Why is this? I can see every photo of your life. I can see your single or your married. I can see your favorite books and movies. I can see where you literally are because you just "checked in". I can see your first baby just got her first tooth.  I can see your having marital problems........ BUT god forbid I see you at Target. God forbid I pass you shopping at Old Navy. What a joke!

We stalk each other to see how everyone is doing in their lives. Are they more ahead of me? So they have the dream job, the house the kids? Talk about pressure!!! And if you don't do that "stalking" on facebook, your in denial. Sorry, sweetheart but you are. I know the deal, I'm it too-which is the reason for detox and maybe the all together removal of facebook or certain facebook friends. Hmmm....

I only have so much time here and so do you. So we HAVE to make the best of it.
We don't get this back.


Today I am Thankful For:
Fifty Shade of Grey for helping me through detox lol and thankful for peaceful time spent alone

Day 3- ON MY WAY

Day 3........................................

SO this week..I turned 27... Not really sure if its really an exciting age? BUT I am hoping its a good year for me. Healthy year =) Got a pedicure with my twinster and some friends then we had an awesome dinner with all our friends and had some birthday drinks. I realized my twin and I have some of the most amazing people in our lives. I always look forward to the good times with my/our friends. =)

.....Next week I will be doing a detox. Not just a food detox but a facebook detox too ha! No facebook for a week. I also made a goal board which hangs in my room!

Some may think ok big deal but we all know facebook is addictive. So part of this food detox is to also have mental well being and relaxation. So I plan to do just that. Light exercise, stretching, some yoga and breathing techniques. Along with this 7 day detox, I can not have anything besides fruits (3 servings a day) and all the veggies I want. Protein is only eaten if needed and minimal and only after three days.......

Detox is VERY difficult for me but at the same time I love day 7. So this detox will begin Tuesday. Sunday I plan to get all my groceries. Im excited too because Jess, my twinster, is doing this with me. We joined a weight loss/life style change! Were both nervous but excited to start the journey of weight loss together. We are so ready to be healthy , 100 %. So wish us luck with this new change!  Ive done the weight loss thing before but this will be the first time Jess and I do it together. So Im excited.

SO far on this journey of mine the one thing I have noticed is the stress that has lifted. I feel like the air is starting to clear and that I am on the right track. Today I met with a hypnotist. I know it sounds nuts but I wanted to know what they were about. It is definitely NOT what you see in the movies. No trance no couch. Its about positive attitude. Teaching yourself that you CAN be in control. Teaches yourself to say positive things to yourself and to delete the negative thoughts. It sounded pretty awesome but it was also a little costly. So , I was glad to know that kind of stuff is available but at this time I can for sure not afford it. So, until next time!

What I am Thankful For:

Birthdays and when Chris has a day off so we can spend time together like TODAY!

IM ON MY WAY!!!!!!!! LOVE IT

...You are suppose to be somewhere else....

I heard that is something isn't going right where you are...that there is somewhere else you are suppose to be because its better there for you.   Awesome.  Makes me excited. Monday June 11th is the first day of my 30 day journey/do over/start.
I have made some appointments, some odder than others. I am going to see a therapist to help control my emotional eating( hope she is ready for this lol). Going to meet with a woman who specializes in emotional healing and healthy well being and also though why not make a hypnotism appointment? Its part of my do something I wouldn't normally do- so hey its free and Chris is going to check it out with me. Why not? Lol. 
 I have also been taking 1,000 mg of organic extra virgin coconut oil twice a day. I hope to see some sort of results with it since all I ever hear is such good things.
I plan to blog on each day. I know it may be a rocky start but Im excited to see how this all pans out. This is not a vacation. This is strict. Eating will be different my daily plan will be different.  I am nervous because I want this so bad to work. I know I need a change mentally and physically so i really hope this is it!
If anyone has ideas on different people to talk to or different things to do to help my mental and physical transformation I would LOVE to hear it?  Im trying to do some research to see how exactly I should plan out my days.
Monday June 11th....Day ONE!  Ahhhh! =)
Taking a break from anything I can.  Break from facebook! Break from bread! Break from negativity!my plan. My goals. I WILL do this and I WILL Succeed. Watch me............

Change is a Process...Not an Event

Love this sticker. Saw it on Pinterest.  SO easy to get obsessed with that website, yikes.  Well today is a rainy Wednesday. Chris and I were suppose to take maternity photos for a friend but the weather decided to suck. O well...rescheduled.  I seem to reschedule a lot of things in my life. I put it off til' later. Then it comes and I push it off again. It's why I am stuck in this rut today....Heard this " If it's not working, Stop doing it". I could have listened to that 1,000 times and let it go in one ear and out the other but today I wrote it on a piece of paper. And I read it. And read it again. I read it about 5 times til it really sunk it.  I finally said...THIS is NOT working. I'm GOING to do something else. And it felt good, why? Because I have already decided to make a change. I FINALLY am doing something. Going to take control once and for all.
If someone said Jillian, you will be right where you are in a year from today I would want to punch them in the face then maybe the throat. The sound of it makes me sick. Makes me pissed. No WAY!
I am not happy right now. I am not even content where my life is. 

YES, I have wonderful things in my life.  Wonderful family, handsome husband...dog...house...car that's paid off... but too many things are wrong with my life. Too many for me to be okay with. And most of them I created myself.  My health, my weight my negative attitude. No one else. And that's why its the worse. I always say when your mad at yourself it is the worst feeling.  You should have the control to do the things you want, things you need to do, make certain decisions. But what the hell happens in that time frame?  When did the day come we just starting letting our self go and let each day passing thinking it was ok?  Because I'll tell you what, that lifestyle has caught up to me. To the point where I have to force myself to be happy.  I want to take advantage of this life. I want to find the way to be happy.

I mean do YOU ever just feel that your in a fog? Life is on full speed...Your in a mess and you just keep getting dumped on? Like you serioulsy can't take on one more fucking thing?? How is anyone to have a clear mind? How is anyone to make a decision when they never get a break?? Well, if you feel like that, its time to force a break. YOU NEED IT.

Now, this mental and physically journey is not going to happen overnight. Like I said, I want to blog. I like it. I want to just put it out there.  As far as it stands, I asked for a leave of absence from work. This tentatively will begin June 11th. The first day to the start of this journey. I have been preparing up to that day. Making appointments, researching the classes (health and yoga),making a work out schedule etc. I hope I see some sort of good in this. I hope I feel it at the end.

I can't wait to  wake up and take a god damn breath. Stretch and get my head on straight for the day. I refuse to waste one minute in this 30 days. And 30 days, I don't plan to have it all set. I know this will take me some time. It would take anyone some time!  But its time to get my eating straight, get my health back to a more peaceful state and have mental well-being. I feel lucky to have the job I have now. They are willing to give me this time away.  I am thankful to my husband and family to help me financially. I can tell people love me and want me well.  I WANT me well too.

Identify Weakness & Fix it. I plan to.

Today I am Thankful For:  My awesome $3.00 rummage sale waterfall and my bed =)

What a mix this is....

Well, very annoyed today. Not 100% sure why....maybe lack. severe lack of sleep last night or the over drafting in my back account or the asshole drivers when I just wanted to be home from work- or how about coming home from working to recyclables all over my front and back yard---and I forgot to put mine out today. SO your welcome neighbor I cleaned up your crap =) HA. ANYWAYS

 I like this whole blogging stuff cuz I can just bitch if I need too, TODAY is that day.

Well first thing is that a few days ago I got a call from my doctors office. I was told that my inflammation markers were starting to go down and look more normal. I was thrilled. BUT today I checked on them. My doctors office has this portal thing so you can always look at your test results. Ok I went down 3 points. 3. What....the...hell.  Ok people, my inflammation markers were super high and I am sorry but going down three points is not that awesome of news. Yeah, awesome I am going down but I am still a high risk.

   You know, I called my doctors office and asked to talk to someone about nutrition. I said I wanted to more informed on how to best eat with having some of the medical conditions I have.  So they told me they do not have any nutritionist but I could set up an appointment with my pill pushing doctor. Yeah,ok.  WHY would I do this? Every time I would go see my doctors in the past 18 months NUTRITION was NEVER brought up. NOT once.  You would think that nutrition may be infact crucial to my healing. Not to my doctors.  It was ALL about medications and that really pissed me off. I should have had faith it it?  I truly believe if more people understood nutrition people would eat better.   Were so conditioned to treat our symptoms and NEVER the problem.  Medications and surgeries, time wasting follow ups, insurance denials........... Just when has a patient had ENOUGH!

When will they say to you, hey you feel like shit because you eat like shit. Hey your overweight because you sit on your ass all day and hit up the 99 cent heart attack deal at the drive though. That is why YOU have to take control.  People laugh at organic and alternative therapies but think about it!.  CUT out the shit that is killing you.  Live differently because obviously the way we are living is NOT working for us. 

Its all about money. And its true we stress ourselves out to buy the shit we THINK we want. We think it will make us happy but its just more stress.  I feel like we all need to just STOP and chill out.  Take a breath!  That is what I am forcing myself to do,  I am forcing myself to stop listening to EVERYONE else and listen to myself.  

We dont really have that long here. I mean just step back right at this moment and ask yourself, When did I get here?How did I get here? Is college really over? Never thought it would end......  When did I all the sudden have a home...a dog,.....my own lawn to cut?

  If you could only re live that memory of meeting the person you fell in love with again, go back to the minute he said he would be gone for a few months and how it made you want to fall to your knees because you realize you loved him....  The moment that minister said I now Pronounce you Man and Wife. The moment the doctor said, Your Pregnant. The minute you heard your baby cry. The very second he told you he loved you.  Or even how it feels when someone just tells you...It will be ok.  These moments go so freak-en fast. And maybe its hard to me to grasp it all. Especially when I hear people that I went to high school with who are on their third baby or even second marriages. Cuz I remember them as they were in high school. I wish I could let that go.  I wonder if it ever goes away...If you could seriously look at someone from high school and say that have truly changed. If I can view them as different people than they were back then.  And I am amazed at how quickly that had checked itself. People writing me. People I knew as a different person back then who confessed personal things to me. Unreal. And I was so open to it. They always looked picture perfect and its nice to know that were real....even if highs school didn't let them be. lol. Because Ill be damned sure they are going to teach their children to be nice to everyone. -even though they wont be. =)

 Because sometimes we don't think it could be ok..........Its just soo much to take in. LIFE not things.  If you can do the best you can and put a smile on your face, that's lucky.

I remember some specific moments.  I DO remember the second Chris told me he was moving to Colorado and how when he left that morning in November I fell to the ground.( It was actually my lawn at 4am in the dark and Chris said he couldn't go if I didn't go inside....I would have sat on the lawn forever... I prayed he would turn around. I prayed I would see break lights but never did.  I crawled back to my room and thought my life was over..........But than I think if he didn't go, I wouldn't be sitting here with him as my husband in our home.

I remember the moment I was told dad had Parkinson's. I remember not having a clue what it meant. But Ill tell you what, I know now. 

I remember the anxious feeling of working so hard to try to get out our home.  Between all the No's from the banks and lack of income.classes to show we could be homeowners...we thought we would never be approved for a home ever. But than it all changed and the handshake saying, Congratulations your a home owner.   WOAH.

There is more but maybe for a later blogging lol

And I think YOU whoever is reading mine right now should start your own.  You would be surprised at how awesome it feels to just write. Who never know who is reading or whose views you may be changing...

I think life never turns out to be the way you think, but its almost got to be that way.  Just like this blog. I was all over the place, but that's how I write the best. That's how I like to write.

The free-er the better because life doesn't  always allow me or you to be that way. So I say we start to think how can we really start living to make ourselves happy? Don't waste time. You barely have any to begin with...

Today I am Thankful For:  The sticker above is from all the nice feedback from you...people have written and shared with me things they probably never thought they would....... 

Letting It All go

I just want people to know I write what I am thinking at the time. Its NOT about me feeling sorry for myself, not about me looking for sympathy either. This is about just LETTING me express myself. I am trying to change myself. And in that change I need to let go.......let go of everthing that eats away from me.  I want to be a person who is focused.positive and dependable.  Right now I feel I am not that person.

I feel everyone has a family who has a specific problem in that family.  Some children deal with molestation, some wives deal with mental and physical abuse, some husbands deal with alcoholic wives, and some deal with a dying family member who deteriorates right in front of their face. It could be more simple to a woman who just feels alone in a marriage, a wife who doesn't know if she loves her husband anymore or even a shopping addiction-putting all that money on credit cards.
 It doesn't matter what it is. Every family has to deal with something.

I saw a saying that said something like...if we were to throw our problems into a pile with everyone else's we would probably grab ours back.  And I think it is true.  Just when you think your jealous of another couple, another family or another person reality will show.  Time will show that in fact they DON"T have it better than you.  For a long time I would get jealous of other people's dads, other peoples lives, other people.  But now I'm starting to realize they got issues too.  Grass may look greener on the other side but its been spray painted green. The surface of that grass looks good but those roots are tainted.

I guess I'm getting to the point that I have to stop worrying about what people think and say. They are just people. For YEARS I let them hurt me. I let them fuck up my day Strangers complete strangers-I let them ruin me. And that's why I feel it is time to take it back.

Understand that maybe they didn't have it as good as I thought and letting it out on me maybe made them feel better.  So instead of being upset of the past and rude things they have said to me, I'm going to take it as I was helping THEM.

If I don't turn it around and look at it in a positive light, it will always control me. so, fuck it. Done feeling that way. Its lingered for to long.

If your wondering what has been said to me in the past here is a blurb: (Can't believe I am doing this)
THIS IS WHAT I REMEMBER PEOPLE SAYING TO ME. THESE WORDS HAVE BEEN BURNED INTO MY MIND....NOT A DAY GOES PAST I DON'T THINK OF ONE OF THEM

1. WOW, Your a little big, eh? - said from a man walking past me in a parking lot
2. Hey you want to wrestle?- said from a man who walked past me at the mall
3. Wow, your so tall, your a beast- said from "friend" 2 seconds before I was about to give a presentation at school
4. Wow, Do you really weigh that much?- said from a medical doctor to me
5. "You got this, Your 10 times bigger than him"- said at a campfire to me as I was minding my own business
6.  Walked into a store at the Oshkosh Outlets, before I could even hear the door close behind me  a sales lady YELLED across the store- Mam, the Plus size clothing is on the other side of the store. Embarrassed out of my mind I turned around instantly and left
7. Your Huge.
8. When I was younger I remember being at family reunion and walking on the sidewalk a boy yelled Hey, Don't you know these sidewalks have a weight limit?
9.Your tall, Your like an Amazon Woman
10. Walking into a bar on college ave  for a fun night out with my friends a guy yelled HEY YOUR FAT!

SO, these are just some of the things people have said to me in the past-.  Wouldn't you feel like complete shit? Wouldn't you have a breakdown? I am ready for these words to leave my mind. I think people have stopped saying things to be because I can be intimidating. I don't want people to be scared of me but I also don't want to feel like a circus freak.

I'm ready for better thoughts. Jillian your beautiful, Jillian you are Strong. Jillian you are going to be successful.

And if one more person calls me tall or big........I may just start simply punching them in the face. I think of it as a stress reliever?

And dont tell me to ignore them. When people rip at your feelings, how the hell do you ignore them? If you got the secret feel free to share- but if your skinny lol don't even bother-YOU DO NOT KNOW what it is like-------------------------------------


Today I am thankful for:  Blogging and Organic Apples

And so it goes.......sad heart tonight

Well it's Friday. Worked and came home to make a nice healthy dinner for myself. Grilled fish, super greens salad and some "pasta"-which was made from mushrooms and soybean. Really good- kinda proud of myself! Yeah the "pasta" is rubbery but it was good.


 Had a nice long overdue conversation/visit with a good high school friend of mine, Danielle.  Makes you wonder where the time goes. I think of being in high school and never worrying about my future.  It was always about Friday night. How much partying and how much time you could spend with your friends.   I liked when I could have off for the summer. Wake up bout noon. Head into the sunshine. Ride around wasting gallons of gas going nowhere as fast as we could. Hell, we use to cruise the ave every weekend.  I wonder with all the miles we put on or all the gas we used, where we could have truly travelled too....Fiji? lol.  I look back and think what the hell.... we did have fun though.

Stress then wasn't like stress now. Now its about getting the mortgage paid by Friday. Putting groceries in the house. Did we pay the cable bill? Was the insurance paid?? Annoying-Frustrating-Sad........Growing up. Sure it has its ups. Graduation, marriage,buy a house, babies.......I left dream job out because it seems those aren't around anymore. If you have yours, good for you. Most do not. But then what is next? I hate not knowing, but I guess it also leaves the fun in it.

 

Looked at some wedding photos tonight. What a great day it was and a blur at the same time. I get drawn to the photos with dad and I.   I know he tried to dance but it just wasn't happening. I was always worried about the father-daughter dance for this reason-I am thankful he was there though, to sit with me. Watch our little slide show. Stare at all the old memories and get hit with the reality of his illness all at the same time. I don't understand it. 

In all honesty, I lost my dad a long time ago. My dad is physically here but he will never be here for me mentally or emoitionally.  I don't know if I will ever accept his disease. I don't know how. Im sad that I am angry all the time. Not angry at him but angry at the Parkinsons for taking him from me. I still need him and I can't have him even though his is still in front of me.  The pain digs deep, so deep my heart truly hurts.  Dad use to be tough. He use to not give a shit. He use to not have fear. He was solid and brave- to me anyways.  We would drive around in his old fords and giver. We use to go fishing, we use to decorate the Christmas tree together...........it all ended. Just like that. 

No he trembels. Now he can't think straight. Now he can't walk sometimes.  Now I feel alone. 

I always felt Jess was like mom and I was like dad. We loved rabbits and kittens and fishing. All faded away.  Now his memory sucks. He is giving up. He has been giving up for a long time.

Doesn't he still know I care? The family cares? Some days I think he just wants to be dead already. I think he just doesn't want to live one more day in pain. One more day of confusion, one more day of my mother lifting him on and off the toliet.One more day of not being able to swallow or talk properly........... He wants the pain to end but it wont.


I heard this ahwile ago that your getting older and your parents are too. Life is so short. You never seem to think life is going by until you step back and take a look at where you are.  I know we are all here for a short while and I am going to figure out to make the best of it.


Today I am thankful for:  Memories and the gift my boss gave me, a bloodstone. (Its a smooth rock-Its to have healing powers and today I feel I need them.

~Jillian

My Health...My scary Background

Here is is.  When I was younger I never cared about my health. I thought twinkies with a side a mac n cheese was no big deal. In Highschool, it was worse. Airheads, granola bars and doritos and constant crap.  CONSTANT chemical rancic crap.  Looking back I think how the hell could I have eaten that shit? HOW did I think it was ok? SO once I graduated highschool I decided to join one of the many so called weight loss plans. LA Weight Loss was my first true look at weight loss. First three days were detox.  SO I  went from eating a cheeseburger and fries to the very next day eating ONLY greens and drinking a liquid combination.  I cried. I cried all three days. Pathetic?!? Unreal.  Until this point I lived with my twin sister and best bud Holly. Pizza Hut, oreos and chips were the norm at the apartment. Sugared down ceral for breakfest submersed in  cows milk. And hell why not wash it down with a swig of soda? It was early I needed the caffiene. LOL HOLY HELL!

Ok, SO I did LA Weightloss. When I wasn't crying about not being able to have ice cream or chinese, I was eating good. I ate THE SAME FOODS every single day.  Breakfest was 3 eggs with ground turkey meat. Lunch was a grilled chicken salad and dinner was a prepackage meal. Snacks? Hmm yogurt or an apple. Maybe some shrimp. But within one week I had lost 7 pounds.  I Could NOT believe itl. Water weight or not the scale had gone down. SO I continued to eat this way for weeks. In 16 weeks I had lost almost 30 pounds and THEN I plateued. I stopped losing weight.  I began to shut down immidiately. I still rememer the firt thing is cheated on. It was three tortilla chips. FUCK. I slowly gave up. I got lazy again. The weight returned and then some and once again I was miserable. Hated my life and myself.

Life goes on.....

Then a little blessing came into my life. Her name was Chele and she ran a program called Transitions at Snap Fitness in Kaukauna. 12 week course based on a low-glycemic lifestyle. First 6 weeks if I can recall were NO GRAINS. Met a girl named Mandi who signed up at same time. (WHICH can I add has lost over 160 pounds by diet and exercise on Transitions!! She is just amazing and an inspiration) I started Transitons ans realized it was pretty easy,yes I had a 7 day detox.  It was hard, I wont lie but I made it through. I was also working out and also had some bootcamps and traingin with Chele.  I lost 26 pounds and felt wonderful. But soon the 12 weeks ended and I felt abandoned. I felt lost. I felt that I couldnt do it on my own and sure shit I lost control AGAIN.  Months and months passed. FELT like complete shit. Tried my hardest to eat right and exercise but I gave up............

Life goes on....

Tried joining Weight Watchers.  Couldnt get into it. If there is one thing most people know about me is my hatered for ASPARTAME. HATE HATE HATE it.  There I was at my first meeting. Watching these women suck down Diet Pepsi and Diet Mountain Dew.  Snacking on thier sugar free toxic snacks and I decided I couldnt commit. Say what you want but a lot of their products have synthetic toxic crap.  Moving on...

Than my body began to rebel. I got sick....all the time.  It started with severe anxiety. Went to the doctor and sure shit gave me a pill sent me on my way.  I went home . Started the pills. Felt more fucked up than ever.  Horrible stomach pain....constantly. I was told it was anxiety- was given a new pill for anxiety PLUS a little purple pill I was to take every damn day, Nexium.

Stomach stuff persisted for get this 18 months. NOT ONCE was any condition talked about.  I was sick all the time.  I would try to leave my house and would shortly return.  Hopeless and fearing the worse I demanded to be seen and I demanded NO MEDICATIONS. I demaned and explanation. SO tests were run. Lots of tests.  First test came back. H-Pylori infection in my stomach. After two full weeks of harsh antibiotics it seemed to have gone away. Felt ok but not great. SUcked it up spent the expensive money on the antibiotics and felt like shit. Not to mention I wiped out all bacteria good and bad.  I was NOT happy with the medical system at this point. More test were run
At 26, I had a colonoscopy and Endoscope. Not the funnest day of my life but had to to it. That revealed severe Gastritis and Intestinal Metaplasia. More than likely the consequences of H-Pylori. I was bummed and scared but relived to know at this point I wasnt crazy. I knew something was wrong with my body. Not to mention I now have a higher risk of stomach cancer.

But then.. a scary emergency room visit three days after my wedding, the doctor still had no explanation. I woke up that morning, 6am to get ready for work. I simply walked into the bathroom to get ready and in an instant I began to sweat like crazy. I almost passed out and went to the floor right away.  Intense pain in my left side (back)- (WHICH I have been dealing with for months. THEY even put me on antibitiocs for a kidney infection. Which would be fine until 3 days in I got a call from my doctor that I DIDNT have a kidney infection. They have no idea what is wrong. And to this day I am STILL dealing with constant lower left back pain)
.I couldnt even yell for Chris. My vision was fuzzy and I couldnt catch my breath. SO off to the ER I went.  SO after 3 CT scans, an MRI, chest xray and blood cultures and a extremly high white blood count, I got an answer from the doctor. " Your a medical mysterty, we cant find whats wrong with you."  I started bawling, how the hell could that be? They cant find anything wrong with me. Blamed it on the gastritis and 6 hours later I was on my way home. No answers. No hope.

HERE I am again. Even though my history doesnt give me or you much confidence I will pursue happiness.

I WILL gain control and not weight. I WILL loose the negative attitude and not my self control. I truly belive this is a mental battle for me. I loose everytime but this time. THIS TIME I WILL NOT. I need support and I have it. I have the best husband and friends in the world. BUT no one is like my mother. She is here for me and will help me in no matter what battles I have.  I NEED TO get my health on track and I intend to do so. I am not 100%. I am still not feeling good and I am worried.

Please give me strength and wish me luck.

~Jillian

It Begins

It Begins.............

So here is the gist of Jillian.  I am married to my husband Chris. We have two furry children ( a dog and a cat) and a home together. I have my Bachelors degree and work at a job that has nothing to do with it.  I have a caring  and beautiful twin sister named Jessica.  I also have four half brothers and half sisters. My dad has been fighting Parkinson's Disease for well over 10 years now. My mother is his stay at home caregiver where she tries to hold up the family and herself everyday.

Well today I decided I wanted to be the first day of my new life.  I did something I never thought I never would do. Well I actually did three things I never thought I would do.
 I asked my boss to have off a one month leave of absence. I made and ate tofu and sent in my submission for some plus size modeling. Hmmm who knows?

 lol, But anyways I have decided to make some changes.  Changes both mentally and physically. The path I am on is not where I need to be. My attitude, my my outlook on life and my weight, all problems in my life.

I have tried to think why I depend on food so much. Yes, of course I depend on it to survive. But this so called survival is what is killing me and making my body rancid.  I know what to eat. I know what to drink. I know the goodness of healthy foods and I do eat them, just not all the time. Hmmmm, first task is to get a handle on this. SO with my 30 days away from work I have a game plan.....

My 30 day plan goes as so:

1. See a therapist about my emotional eating at least once a week
2. See a Dietitian to make sure I am eating what I think it right
3. Do something EACH day that I wouldn't normally do...food..or event
4.  REMOVE all negative thoughts from my head
5. REMOVE all if any junk food from my household
6. Take a one week break from facebook  NO logging in
7.Teach myself to stay optimistic...hang with positive people
8. Work out Every single day....Even if just a 30 minute walk
9. Try Yoga for Mental Clarity



Ok so it sounds like a good game plan. I plan to blog about it! This is my first blog so lets see what happens.

* TODAY I AM THANKFUL FOR*:   My Mother and Extra Virgin Coconut Oil

~ Jillian~